Never Ever (Have I Ever)
by Avdal
Summary: There once was a princess from a land far away Whose life she found boring and from it she longed to stray A handsome man called her in the dark from the blue And for weeks they talked in secret as her curiosity grew He promised her soon that she could forget her duties and crown For just one night only will he'd take her out on the town (Roman Holiday AU)
1. Breathlessly Anticipating the Unknown

**Chapter One: Breathlessly Anticipating the Unknown**

* * *

 _Location: the Grand Ballroom of the palace_

* * *

At any given moment, Jyn's bra could start vibrating.

She could hardly stand it.

This was it. This was _everything_. The suspense of this momentous moment was about to put her in an early grave.

If any of the other guests at the ball notice her squirming, they're too proper to say anything. She's the Princess, after all. No one would dare reprimand her in public.

"The introductions shall begin in a few minutes. Please form an orderly line"

Krennic, the official majordomo for the royal family, makes the announcement and Jyn feels her heart sink. They've only just begun. This party could go on for _hours_. She was supposed to in bed by now. Safely aware from the gossiping eyes of the guests and the ever-vigilant glare of her personal security guards.

Now she's going to be too late. She's going to miss her window of opportunity and all of this will have been for nothing. It's enough to make a weaker woman burst into hysterics.

Not Jyn, though. She not any ordinary woman, she's a princess for… goodness sakes. She can make anything possible.

Princess Jyn clasps her hands ladylike in front of her, steadies her breathing, and concentrates on the feeling of hard plastic pressing against her left boob.

Come on, Cassian. Please call. Please please call. Get me out of here before I lose my mind...

* * *

 _ **Princess Jyn Erso's Never-Ever-Have-I-Ever (But I've Got to at Least Once Before I Die) List: Items One and Two:**_

 _1) Have a secret lover_

 _2) Sneak out of the palace for a night of doing whatever the hell I want_

* * *

"My Lady, allow me to introduce Count..." a pause long enough to be significant and make Jyn feel a flush of sympathy for her majordomo, "Count… Ergoawkkrieggrekstein."

Jyn is far too well trained to flinch, but Count Erwhatshisname has a look of tangible pain in his eyes as he bows to kiss her hand, silently telling her that's not even close to how his last name is actually pronounced.

"Charmed to make your acquaintance," Jyn curtseys, tipping her chin down in a display of politeness that also allowed her to check on the placement of her phone hidden in her décolletage.

Nope, nothing yet. No titillating tingle to tell her it's time.

The palace ballroom was full of people, many of whom were visiting dignitaries that somehow managed to each surpass the other with an even more outlandish and unpronounceable name. What she, Princess Jyn Erso of Vallt, should be doing is paying attention. Some of these people could become _her_ people one day and in the very least she should be trying to memorize their breathtaking names to avoid the inevitable awkwardness in the future.

That's what she should be doing. What she actually was doing was _pretending_ to pay attention while secretly holding her breath and counting the seconds until Cassian gives her the titty-vibrate she's been waiting for.

As soon as he calls, she'll faint. Figuratively. She will feign her faint. Then, once she's safely been taken back to her room and the lights turned out, it will be go-time.

"Your Highness, I present Lord and Lady Esse."

S? Is their last name just one letter, or did she mishear it? Either way, she's 'delighted that they could come'.

Could come for the questionable honor of watching her stand in creeping discomfort for the next few hours. Then, when the party begins in earnest after all these dreadful introductions and ceremony are taken care of, she'll be safely swept away to bed before even a glimpse of potentially scandalous behavior could taint her eyes and ears.

Life is so unfair.

A soft hum comes from behind her. Jyn realizes that she had been caught scowling by one of her attendants. She immediately schools her expressions and bends down slightly, extending her hand low so that the vertically-impaired Lord Sczkzyrzk can kiss it. Ugh, germs. Vile habit carried over from the days of old. She can't get out of here fast enough.

Then, as she starts to pull back, disaster strikes.

Her phone vibrates with the call right at that moment, the one second she hadn't been anticipating it. It oscillates silently, but it startles her nonetheless. Her hand flies up, clipping Lord Sczwhatever in the chin, and causing him to spill the drink in his free hand on her dress.

The uproar is intense and ridiculously out of proportion. Jyn is immediately surrounded by her attendants. They're fluttering over her, trying to pat her dress dry so that the delicate antique silk won't stain, and she has to keep pushing their hands back so they don't feel her phone while all the while accepting Lord Shishakbob's apologies and her parents are going to hear about this and she'll have to endure a lecture from Kay and her father and-

Her phone slides out and lands by her feet.

Somehow it had squivveled its way down the front of her dress during all the ruckus and now it's sitting there between her satin heels. Fallen in plain sight and if anyone, _anyone_ were to glance down it would all be over.

No. Unacceptable. Absolutely intolerable.

There's only one thing she can do about it. Jyn hadn't planned on fainting until the champagne made its first round, but now this dreadfully proper or just plain dreadful evening has left her no choice.

She collapses strategically. Blinking rapidly for preliminary effect then starting to swoon. Her majordomo is by her side in instant, trying to keep her on her feet but she dodges while hiding the move with a dramatic palm to her forehead. The other hand happens to fall under her butt as she full-on collapses, the shocked gasps and cries of the room full of onlookers coloring her face red but at least making it look more convincing.

Then it's simply a quick matter of grabbing her phone and shoving it into one of the long sleeves of her dress before faking her ruse completely and closing her eyes.

* * *

 _Location: a quiet street a few blocks outside of the palace_

* * *

Cassian couldn't stop gripping the steering wheel. It was almost like his life depended on it, which in a very real way it did. Or at least his sanity.

The gesture was also entirely superfluous, considering that the engine isn't even on, but it helps him feel more in control of the situation. Plus, if his hands were free, he knows that he'd be fiddling with his phone nonstop, obsessively checking it to make sure the battery, screen, signal, and everything else was functioning correctly.

"Chill out, Cas. You're making me nervous."

The pointed look Cassian shoots to his partner in crime is ignored completely, bouncing off the man's thick mental shields as effectively as a fish colliding into the glass walls of its aquarium.

"Bodhi, did it ever occur to you that _you_ should be nervous, too? I'm not just in this alone. I go down, you go down."

Bodhi shrug and reaches down to the side of his seat, setting the lever into full recline. He crosses his hands over his stomach, staring up at the elegantly marbled leather of the car's ceiling like he's stargazing. Cassian has to fight the urge to sucker punch him in the gut.

"That's where you're wrong, my friend," Bodhi says. "You go down for this and I squeal louder than a damn stuck pig. I'll throw you under that bus so damn fast It will be like this-" He swishes one of his hands through the air, skipping it quicker than the eye can track and Cassian's knuckles pop against the steering wheel.

"So that's how it is, _friend_? Good to know you've got a knife for my back when I need it."

"Plea deal," Bodhi sounds far too smug. "That's what I'm all about. You get hard time, I get the plea deal. Guaranteed. And do you know why that is?"

Cassian glares sidelong at the phone. The screen remains black. He's not sure which irritation in his life annoys him more right at this moment.

"Don't tell me. You're going to tell me, but don't. Fight the urge."

"Because you're the mastermind in all this. You're the one who started texting the Princess. Started flirting with your special, fancy Lady. I'm just your idiot friend. A patsy in all this."

Cassian's eye starts to twitch when Bodhi pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers him one.

"First off," he says, "you're not my friend. And second you better be damned well blowing that out of the window. Stink up Mon's car with that crap and no 'plea deal' in the world's going to save your hide from her mounting it on the wall."

Bodhi snorts, pushing himself half-upright onto his elbows before lighting his smoke and taking a drag. Cassian lets go of his death choke on the steering wheel for only long enough to turn the key halfway into the ignition and roll down his not-friend's window.

"I can't believe we stole Mon's car," he mumbles, scratching his chin as the twitching begins to migrate down the side of his face. "I can't kriffing believe it. We're dead. She catches us and we're dead."

Bodhi obligingly exhales out the window and Cassian's eyes bug when a few tendrils of smoke still manage to curl their way inside and caress the ceiling upholstery.

"Mon told us to get a hot story or not bother coming in tomorrow, Cas. That's exactly what we're doing. We've just… borrowed the company car. She'll understand."

"Yeah, no, Mon definitely won't. We get the story and she _may_ forgive us and not fire us on the spot. We're still going to get lectured for hours. No escaping that. Maybe even demoted to the editing room."

"Beats being homeless which is at the back end of the domino effect if we show up tomorrow empty handed."

"So you keep saying. Have you ever even been to the editing room? It's terrifying and I hate it in there. There's literally only one light bulb and the everyone's hunched over their proof desks looking at me like my name's Esmeralda."

Bodhi snorts and shrugs, a portrait of insouciance. Sometimes Cassian envies him. To be so simpleminded and not have a care in the world, even when faced with the looming cloud of highly probably incarceration hanging over his head.

"They'd bitchify you in ten minutes," Cassian mutters, finally giving into the temptation and checking his phone. The background image of the Princess, a 99% sweet and 1% saucy selfie she had sent him last night, brightens up the screen.

"Nothing?" Bodhi asks.

Cassian shakes his head.

"I guess that's a good thing, then. She said she send a message if she needed to call the whole thing off. No message and it's still a go."

That's the plan. Pretty much all of the plan, unfortunately. Princess Jyn doesn't call soon, that means a green light. Come midnight he'll call _her_ and…

"Got any kriffing idea how we're going to get her out of there?"

Bodhi flicks the stub of cigarette number one out the window and immediately starts on its brother in line. This chain smoking the only outward sign he's given all night that maybe, just maybe, he's a little worried about how all this is going to go down too.

"Princess says she's got that figured out. 'Have the engine running and I'll be there'. Her exact words."

"And if she doesn't show up?"

Bodhi shrugs. If he does that one more time Cassian really _will_ punch him in the gut.

"Then we wait here until our asses fall asleep in the seat and then we sneak Mon's car back, go home, and start polishing off our resumes."

It's a grim thought. If Cassian's resume had anything worth polishing, he wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. Not to mention, dare to dream, he might actually have made enough money to have his _own_ car and not have to steal his boss's chic ride

With nothing else to do, he fidgets, tapping his fingers against the dashboard. Smacking the pad of each digit three times against the polished surface until Bodhi stops him with a nudge of his knee.

"Fingerprints. Don't leave a mark. And also, that's annoying."

Cassian stops. Waits three seconds Four. Five. Then he checks his phone again.

"11:56," he announces.

"Four minutes to go."

"I don't want to wait four minutes."

Bodhi shrugs. Grunts when Cassian drops the phone onto his stomach from a good height.

"Then call her, my friend. Fortune favors the brave. Or-" Bodhi picks up the phone by a corner, swinging it from side to side like a pendulum, "Or _I_ can call her. Pretend to be you. I'll write something really sweet and beautiful, too. Promise."

Cassian snatches the phone away. His thumb hovers over the contacts.

"This is.. this is our last chance to bail," he offers. "We can still walk away from this."

Cigarette two gets flicked out the window and number three gets shaken out of the box.

"Cassian," Bodhi gives him a simpering look, reaching out and tugging on his sleeve until his hand gets slapped away. "You _are_ my friend, my coworker, my roommate, and my platonic life partner, so I mean it when I say this-"

Cassian rubs his temples, wincing over how much _wrong_ there is in his life right now. Oh dear gods Bodhi please shut up.

"Go on," his friend continues. "Make the call. Go get your girl."

No point in taking a deep, steadying breath or counting to ten. They wouldn't have made a difference. Bodhi, for all his uncountable flaws, actually did give him a pretty decent pep talk right now.

Cassian presses her name and taps out a simple, to the point message.

11:58. Close enough will have to do.

Now it's time to wait and see what 'his girl' has in store for the evening.

* * *

The first time Cassian sees his Princess in real life is when she bounds up to him, throwing herself into his arms, and then promptly crawls into the trunk of his boss's car.

"Hi," was all she'd said, but her smile had stretched wide enough to make dawn come early.

Cassian, being the suave and gracious gentleman that he aspires to be, had been sufficiently caught off guard by her presence that he could only stammer out an apology before she'd dived out of sight.

"Try not to hit any potholes!" she'd chirped, her voice coming from below all muffled and tinny. He and Bodhi exchange a look of great significance.

"That was easy," he comments, hands fumbling briefly with the door to the driver's side.

"Yes."

"Too easy."

" _Absolutely_."

The drive off the palace ground was fraught with white-knuckled tension, barely two words spoken, and constant, obsessive glances at every mirror, rear view and sides.

And it went off without a hitch. Cassian could later swear that he felt five years of his life leaving him as they were stopped by the security at the front gates. An elaborate story had been prepared and at the ready. Both he and Bodhi were on the same page of exactly what they were going to say if there was trouble. They were reporters covering the evening's meet and greet but, unfortunately, her Majesty had taken unwell. Yes yes, of course, our name's on the list. We've booked this weeks in advance, but if you must call our supervisor to check, her number is-

"ID."

Many people would make the mistake of thinking that a royal palace would feature a state of the art, almost Fort Knox level of protection complete with armed guards, watchtowers, and perhaps even roaming packs of highly trained security dogs.

Instead, the graveyard shift gate attendant is a weedy old man well past the standard retirement age. He couldn't be bothered to get up out of his chair and so Cassian has to half-crawl out, half groin himself on the driver's window edge to reach over enough to hand him their press IDs. They are given no more than cursory glance, followed by a frowning at Bodhi's unnecessarily wide grin on his ID which just so happened to match the expression on his face right now as he waved. Without another word the gate opened, the Princess in the trunk stayed pitch silent, and Cassian has to fight ever instinct in his body to burn rubber out of there.

And he's completely sure he doesn't breathe once on the whole ride back.

* * *

 _Location: Cassian and Bodhi's humble apartment_

* * *

"So how did you do it?"

Bodhi fills Princess Jyn's glass with champagne, cheap champagne, and her eyes light up as the honey colored fizz froths up right to the edge of her glass.

"I pretended I was asleep and then crawled out though the open window."

"That's it?"

She shrugs, smiling over the rim of her glass and Cassian can't help but notice that she's subtly been avoiding looking at _him_ , only ever at his not-friend. Whenever she does, whenever she risks a peek and their eyes meet, the prettiest of flushes tints her cheeks.

Maybe the cheap booze might have something to do with that as well, though Cassian prefers to think it's more than simply that.

"I would have thought you'd have to put on a disguise or drug your personal security phalanx. Nothing though? Makes the story a bit dull if you ask me."

She laughs then, a bubbly champagne sort of giggle. Apparently she's much more amused by Bodhi's attempt at wit than Cassian was.

The, when she looks at him for another second, there's a twinkle in her eye.

"This isn't the first time I've sneaked out of the Palace, you know."

Cassian shoulders Bodhi aside, elbowing him subtly in the ribs enough times to earn him a dark look as his unspoken message gets received.

"Got to make a phone call," Bodhi mutters, shoving the whole bottle of champagne into the Princess's eager arms. "You two crazy kids try and keep your hands off each other while I'm out."

Princess Jyn presses her lips together firmly, the corners of her eyes crinkling as if she was trying very hard to not grin.

A silence falls between them as Cassian struggles to find something to say. This was his idea. He'd started this all those months ago, never daring to dream that it would culminate like this: with a blushing Princess in his humble living room, clutching a Brand:Generic champagne bottle to her chest and looking so damn pretty that he's left at a loss for words.

When it becomes clear that her shy beau isn't going to do much more than stare at her, the Princess herself takes the initiative.

"Sooo… what's on schedule for tonight? You've got a big night planned for me?"

She steps forward, unhugging the bottle and wiggling it suggestively as she closes half the distance between them. Cassian can feel his heart rate start to spike when he can see Bodhi in the background, lurking outside the windows to the patio with his phone in his hand as he brazenly films them. If she were to turn around, she'd see him.

 _That_ snaps Cassian out of his pretty-girl induced paralysis. The other half of his personality, the smooth, swift talking operator who's been known to charm their assignments into perhaps revealing more than they had in mind, springs into action.

Deftly he takes the bottle from her, holds her glass and his right next to each other and fills them up together at once without spilling a drop. Princess Jyn's grin widens, her pretty little teeth sinking into the corner of her pretty little bottom lip before she takes her drink from him with a gracious tip of her head

"Tonight, Princess," he says, "we're going to do exactly what I promised you: we're going to do _whatever_ _the hell you want to_."

He plays up his accent on those last six words, hoping and winning at making her champagne-flush deepen. Maybe it's because she's two drinks in now, but she's not looking away so much.

Or maybe it's because Bodhi's finally taken a hike, albeit not very far.

Jyn sidles forward, bringing them into a conspiratorial closeness.

"You know," she whispers, "there _is_ something that I've always wanted to try."

Her smile changes, turning more sly than open and earnest like it had before. In the background their voyeur gives him a thumbs up. Between those two Cassian is more than just outnumbered, he's downright outclassed.

Somehow he has a feeling he's not going to like what she's about to say, but he has to ask it anyhow.

"Go ahead, Princess. I'm all ears."

* * *

Author's Note:

You ever write something and you have absolutely no idea if it's any good or not? Random doubts aside, Roman Holiday is one of my all-time favorite films. I'm hoping to touch on all the right tropes but still give it a modern twist.

Next chapter is up and ready. I was going to publish them as one but it was getting kind of long.


	2. The Dive Bar

**Chapter Two: The Dive Bar**

* * *

"Please Cassian, I've always wanted to try it..."

Princess Jyn pulls at his arm, tugging toward the little building with a sense of entitlement that far eclipsed the short time they've known each other. He only half resists.

Somewhere in the background, Bodhi is frantically looking for his dropped cellphone while shouting for them to wait up so he doesn't miss a minute of the action.

"Your first bar, Jyn?" Cassian asks, allowing himself to get swept away in her latest questionable idea. "Are you sure that's a proper place for a princess to go?"

She leans in closer, close enough that she can smell his aftershave, "No, of course not. And that's _exactly_ the point."

* * *

 _ **Jyn's Never-Ever List: Three, Four, and Five**_

 _3) Get drunk at a dive bar._

 _4) Have a stranger buy me a drink._

 _5) Steal something. Anything._

* * *

"So this is what the real world is like?"

"You sound surprised."

Cassian watches as Princess Jyn glances around the dimly lit room. It's full of life. Vibrant, drunken, uncouth life.

"I think I may be _astonished_." Her voice drops low to a conspiratorial whisper, forcing him to lean overly close into her personal space to be able to hear her over the music. "When I asked you to take me away, I never thought you'd take me to a… a _dive bar_."

Bodhi snorts into his beer, sending a spray of froth flaying over the edge of the mug that makes Jyn's eyebrows raise. Neither she nor Cassian offer to help as he starts to choke on it while whining about how its burning his nose.

It's not at all a dive. It's really more of a low-key pub, but Cassian doesn't have the heart to correct her about that. Not when her she's watching the goings and goings with so much animation and excitement on her face. That perpetual faint smile on her lips that she gets when she feels like she's getting away with something bad.

"So that's another one for the list then: Princess Jyn has never been to a dive bar. How are we scoring so far?"

"Three for three, but who's counting? Now I want number four."

Jyn stands up abruptly, practically leaping out of her seat and hightailing it halfway across the room before Cassian can stop her.

He looks to Bodhi for help. All he gets back is an icy glare and a showy display of giving himself the Heimlich maneuver.

"You'd better get over there and _isolate and contain_ ," Bodhi advises. "A semi-sober Princess is a pain enough, last thing we need is her getting any crazier."

Cassian eyes the trouble making brunette at the bar. If he didn't know better, he'd swear that she's trying to flirt with the bartender. But of course she's a princess and they don't flirt.

"Surely she's had a drink before. Right? Like at… state parties and official toasts and things like that?"

Bodhi shrugs, fumbling to wipe spilled beer off the lens of his work camera that he'd been discretely keeping at the ready on his lap under the table. "She said 'number 4', your guess is as good as mine. Now get the hell over there quick and remember not to block the line of the shot."

Most of the pictures they'd taken of Jyn- of Jyn the Wayward Princess and Her Secret Day Out- had been taken either via his grainy iPhone or through a shitty hidden camera equipped to Bodhi's sunglasses which he perpetually and douchily keeps perched on top of his head. The quality of the footage was probably terrible, possibly unusable.

Considering that this wasn't an official, sanctioned story for FlashMob, they had to make do with the equipment they had on hand. But Cassian doesn't doubt his partner's ability to get the perfect cover shot. Bodhi is… resourceful. Especially when properly motivated by situations like impending unemployment.

And there's just _got_ to be a joke about a 'royal pain in the ass' hiding in there somewhere, but damned if Cassian isn't too worried about this whole thing blowing up in his face to tease it out.

* * *

"Well you're a little on the small side, but I wouldn't throw you back."

Jyn rolls her eyes, taking a deep sip of her sugary, hot-pink cocktail to strengthen her nerves. This man who's been plying her with booze is a cocky ass. A good looking ass, granted, but still a cocky ass.

"Is that really the pickup line you're going with?" she asks. "The best you've got? What are you, a fisherman? A sailor?"

The man leans closer. He smells like leather and strong aftershave. "More like an adventurer. A man without borders. The kind of man who's seen the world and knows what he likes and isn't afraid to go after it."

Well jeeze, what can she say to that? And how much older is this guy? At least by a decade, which makes him old enough to buy her drinks when she doesn't have her ID on hand, and that's good enough reason to put up with him.

Her two shadows must be looking for her. She thinks she can see Cassian's head craning above the crowd, so she dips a little down so he can't see her. It's too soon to ruin her fun. She still hasn't gotten away with number five on her list yet.

"Really? What else do you like?" she asks the creeper, hoping to sound confidant and flirty.

He smiles and leans closer still. She finishes her drink in one gulp, pointedly setting the empty glass down between them and blocking his line of approach. He gets the hint immediately, gesturing at the barman with a spin of his fingers. Jyn eyes the motion nervously, and wonders if the bartender knows yet what she's done.

"I like all kinds of things, sweetheart," her vessel of drink purveyance answers.

He takes a long swill from his beer, never breaking eye contact with her. She flutters her eyelashes at him. Hoping that's still a flirty move like she's seen in the old movies.

"Like what?"

She doesn't actually care. Is only half listening. And as soon as she finishes her drink she's going to skiddadle back to her 'kidnappers', this time hopefully bolstered with enough liquid courage to actually talk to the one that brought her to this dance.

"The usual, sweetheart," he double-taps on the bar counter top, not even looking back at the bartender and just expecting another beer to materialize out of thin and and rudeness. "Good times, good women," he eyes her up and down significantly and Jyn feels herself blush, she's not used to being looked at like that. "And fast cars. A little bit of everything, and _nothing_ in moderation. In fact, let me show you my baby."

He reaches into his jacket's inner pocket and pulls out his phone. Jyn swears that if this creeper is honestly about to pull out a picture of his kid, she's going to freak out. Not sure what she's going to do, but it's going to be-

He flicks it on to his background image and shows her a picture of a sportscar. A very odd, unique-looking sportscar.

"What is that?" she asks, relieved that this stranger has finally offered something actually interesting to talk about.

"That, my dear," he wraps an arm around her, pulling her close 'so she can see better' and ignoring her pointed scowl at the offending limb. "That darling is the _Millennium_ _Falcon_. A one of a kind racing marvel. The only one ever built because it was just too damn good to risk being let out on the streets."

Jyn assumes that's all BS, but she _hasn't_ actually ever seen a racer like that.

"If it's so unique, how come you've got one?"

He whispers into her ear like he's letting her into an exclusive club. "Won it in a poker game, sweetheart. Y'know… I could show her to you. Got her parked right outside. We could go on a little drive and I could show you how she hugs the curves and bends of the road. She's got some real smooth lines to her, and I can tell you all about that from the backse-"

"Back off, buddy."

Cassian grabs the hand off her shoulder and flips it away. Jyn gives him the puppy-dog eyes of pure relief.

"Hey, pal, we were just starting to-"

"Oh, is it curfew time already?!" Jyn dramatically throws her arms around Cassian's neck. "Well, I didn't know it was so late! I'm on house-arrest so I guess we'd better get back home, right?"

She doesn't wait to answer, pauses only to drain her drink and even that is hard because she starts to pull Cassian across the room.

"Do you even know that guy?" Cassian mutters under his breath, dodging and weaving them through the crowd.

"Nope. He told me his name but it was something weird. Ham or Sam or something like that. He bought me some drinks, though."

When they get back to the safety of their own table, a flushed-face Jyn flops down into her chair and starts giggling. "That was so much fun!"

She fumbles with her purse, blushing even harder when Cassian gives her a stern look. A stern look that brings out the sharpness of his jaw and darkens his eyes.

"You're pretty," she tells him, glancing up for just a second before looking down again.

"Are you drunk?" he asks. She can't tell if he's annoyed at her, or amused.

"Not yet," fumble fumble fumble with the purse. And yes, she's drunk. "That was number four, but now I've also got number five."

"Five?" he asks, looking skeptical.

Ah! There it is!

Jyn pulls out the bottle of Jagermeister that she'd stolen from behind the bar. "Ta-da!" she holds it up like a bouquet. Cassian takes it from her and raises his eyebrows as he looks at the label.

"Jager- how did you even-"

"When the creepy guy perving over me was ordering my first drink. I grabbed it when the bartender wasn't looking."

Cassian had been holding it up to the light to see how much was left, but he immediately ticks it down low at her revelation.

"Princess, you _really_ shouldn't have-"

"Where's your friend? I'd wanted him to toast with us."

That's right, no Bodhi. Cassian looks up at the balcony area quickly, but taps on his glass when Jyn starts to follow his line of vision.

"Toilet. Totally. Guy can't hold his liquor. But let's toast now and we can do it again later when he gets back."

She holds up her empty glass for him. He positions himself oddly to the side as he fills it up.

"Does 'Jager taste good?" she asks, watching as Cassian tries not to pull a face.

"Define _good_."

"Good as in the opposite of bad?"

He answers immediately, not even having to think about it. "Then no. Absolutely not. But it gets less not-not-bad the more you have."

Jyn smiles wide. A very un-princesslike wide grin. She waits until Cassian has put a few splashes in his won glass before offering up a toast.

"To finally meeting each other in real life?"

He returns her smile and good cheer with a clink of glass. "To finally meeting..."

* * *

 **Interim**

 _Location: Cassian and Bodhi's apartment_

 _Time: either very early or very late, depending on how you count it_

* * *

Cassian stares down at the sleeping problem. Somehow, despite being a tiny little thing, she's managed to block off access to not only the bed but the couch next to it _and_ the footstool.

With a huff, Bodhi seizes her ankle. Attempts to slide her onto the couch again. She doesn't budge, prompting a snort of laughter from Cassian.

"Feel like helping me anytimebro?"

Cassian shrugs. "We tried moving her before. It didn't take. She just sort of rolled right back."

Bodhi glares at him. Tries again. Cassian watches as he huffs. As he puffs. As he gives up.

"Fine!" he stomps to the edge of the couch and yanks a cushion away. Drops it on the floor next to a blanket.

"At least take a look at the pictures. If we need any more, I can take them right now. 'Sleeping Beauty: Princess Tuckered Out After Her Big Night'. Some bullshit like that, though Mon usually is a little more elegant in her cover headlines."

Princess Jyn, their responsibility and problem, is currently spread out in an ungainly flop that would probably be considered far too cruel for a "prestigious" gossip rag like FlashMob. Rejecting that kind of pure-slander shot is what separates them from the real bottom feeders.

Their only semi bottom feeders. Like the type of fish that only eats the plankton that floats and refuses the muck at the bottom of the tank.

Cassian takes the photos from Bodhi and shakes them out of the envelope like they're a pack of gum.

His frown grows as he looks over them. In his peripheral, Bodhi's shoulders sag and he doesn't have to look up to know that his partner is rolling his eyes at him.

"No good? They're _all_ messed up? Blurry? Our of focus? My thumb's in the way? What's wrong?" He gets up and sticks his head into Cassian's space to see for himself.

Cassian shakes his head.

"That's not it." He holds up one of the pictures. It's of an obviously trashed Princess Jyn looking like she's either mid-hiccup or about to puke. "We can't show this."

Bodhi twists his mouth at it, knowing what he means but only half agreeing. "Yeah, it's pretty bad. But-"

"No 'buts', Bodhi," Cassian puts the picture down, flipping towards the end and wincing. "Christ, the later ones are even worse."

He shoves the photos back into their sleeve when he gets to the shot of a now-unconscious Jyn being carried out of a bar by a man who's face is mercifully out of frame.

"C'mon man, we can't even see that's you. It's not so bad."

"She looks horrible. This could _ruin_ her."

Bodhi sighs, eyeing the photo packet laying on the coffee table. He picks it up and sticks it in his pocket just in case Briar Rose over here wakes up early and finds them herself.

"Don't tell me you've got a soft spot for her."

Cassian shrugs, prompting Bodhi to roll his eyes with fervor and slump against the wall. He knows that shrug.

"Godsdamnit Cassian! This was your idea!"

Princess Jyn snorts in her sleep. They both wait until she drifts back to boozy snoring before continuing.

Cassian holds up his hands in surrender. Or placation. He's not sure which one.

"I… I spent the last three months talking to her. Staying up into the middle of the night waiting until it was safe for me to call her. Until it was _safe_ , Bodhi. Her parents love her so much they won't even let her have a cellphone because they're afraid she'll somehow be stalked and kidnapped."

Bodhi raises an eyebrow, the irony of the statement not lost on him like it apparently was to Cassian.

"And she really is a nice girl," he continues. "It's not just an act. She's only trying to get a little harmless independence, but she didn't deserve her name to get trashed like this."

Bodhi sighs. It doesn't matter that what he's saying is true. Work has been slim lately, and they _need_ a big break.

He steps around his contrite friend and goes to his duffel bag of cameras and equipment. He pulls out a sheet of paper and resists the urge to shudder. "Let me show you this, _bro_ , and see if it doesn't change your mind."

Cassian takes the page and stares at it for exactly one second.

" _Tomorrow night, 10PM. Or else_ ," he quotes. "I don't get it."

"It's from our landlord." This time, Bodhi can't stop the shoulder convulsion. "Mr. Vader cornered me yesterday and said he was going to evict us since we haven't paid the rent in fuckonlyknows."

Cassian frowns, turning the paper over. Nothing more is written on that side.

"I didn't know about that."

"Yeah, I didn't tell you. Wanted to keep your head in the game for tonight. But now you know what the 'or else' means, right? Now you know why we've _got to_ publish this story, Princess Gone Wild or not."

Cassian look at him sidelong. Slowly shakes his head, still not getting it. Bodhi rolls his eyes and snatches the paper out of his loose grip.

"I'm the ' _or else'!_ Me! Your buddy! We don't pay by tomorrow, either we're out on our ass or I'm going to be ass-up."

"Don't be ridiculous. You must have misunderstood."

Cassian grabs the page back. Rips it in half. Good riddance.

"Misunders- Do you want to know how he said it? I'll show you. I'll freakin' show you."

Bodhi steps into Cassian's personal space. Right next to him. Both their chests pressed flush together. Cassian glares down at his slightly shorter and soon to be former friend and refuses to give up his personal space. Stand your ground taking full effect.

Then he squeaks when Bodhi abruptly grabs his inner thigh.

"Get your damn hands off me, _bro,_ or else we're going to _-_ "

"No no," Bodhi interrupts him, refuses to let go of the kicking flesh. "That was what _I_ said. What Mr. Vader said was _'you'd better start making it up to me.'_

He leans in close, making sure his voice sounds extra breathy and washes across Cassian's repulsed face. "Up to me, Cassian. _Up_ to me. That little emphasis on the 'up'?" -he squeezes the thigh still trying to get away- "that emphasis was all his. And he said it in that creepy 15-packs-a-day smokers voice of his. Stuff of nightmares, right there."

Cassian glares. Bodhi mouth-breathes over him, making his exhales sound extra raspy.

Then he lets go and raises his hands up.

"See, Cas? _That's_ what I'm gonna to be dealing with. And you're coming with me because I'm not taking that dive alone. We're going down togeth-"

Bodhi stops himself as they both share a mutual flinch to the words 'going down' in this context.

He reaches back onto the table and grabs Cassian's wallet. Pulls out a few of the fewer bills and sticks them in his pocket before heading towards the door.

"Bodhi..."

Bodhi silences him with a glare. "We're publishing the damn story, Cassian. Got no other choice, not unless you're willing to go into Vader's office tomorrow yourself. Turn the lights off and hope he doesn't notice the difference between us."

Cassian glares right back. "I hate you. Where are you going?"

"Back to the bar. You make the wrong call and I may not be able to sit down for a week. So I'm going to find myself a stool and maybe an actual friend and drown my sorrows for the rest of the night."

Without further ado, he slams the door in Cassian's face and leaves him alone to deal with the Perfect Princess. And he doesn't have an ounce of regret.

Okay, maybe an ounce and a pound and three, but Jyn will one day get over having her angelic reputation trashed. He, on the other hand, will never get over a Vader worse than death.

Put like that, there's no choice as all, is there?

* * *

Author's Note:

Lol, so sorry Han. I love you to pieces but every romcom needs a token douchey jerk and it was either you or Lando but only one of you has that sweet chick-magnet ride...


End file.
